hair

Dear Dan the haircutter,

I just wanted to thank you for transforming my head into a vision of some deep layer of hell. My brother and I walked into your little backwoods roadside establishment with some fantasy that a mystic jovial barber with cleverly sharp banter, aged skilled hands, and all the warmth of a mountain holiday christmas special would be more than happy to put down his local newspaper and craft me a good old boy haircut. You my gruff bulldog friend were none of these. From the moment we walked in there with my long unkempt locks, you probably assumed my brother and I were ungodly homos from the big city, perhaps mocking you by daring to step foot in your "well respected" business. I did in fact notice your hand hewn GOD BLESS AMERICA sign swaying below your hours. Your first greeting was "well you gonna take your hat off?" You might remember my little brother making a circus of the ordeal by snapping away with his digital camera ... you getting more and more paranoid. As you wacked away at my long greasy locks, I realized that you were drifting away in your head to some distant hunting adventure, perhaps a 4-wheeling excursion to your favorite mud hole. And as that hair fell all around your ex-marine tattoos, I looked into the mirror and winced with horror at my decision to do this. You became visibly angry when I suggested you take it down a little bit more. It was all clear now. You assumed I was from California and decided that I must be looking for a skater haircut circa 1986. Mostly I regret the dollar tip I gave you. Consider that a generous gift sir.
It didn't help that as we got back in the car my brothers laughter steamrolled from a chuckle to a gurgling guffaw by the time the car door shut. "What the fuck?" I said. "What the fuck" he agreed. What merciful master craftsperson will fix my nickelodeon head?

My dear sir ... I must recommend you look into a career change at the soonest possible moment. Perhaps taxidermy, or maybe one of those militant rebound schools for wayward kids like me. Hell .. go bonsai enthusiast for all I care.

Please just stop with the cutting of the hair thing.

Cordially,
Scalped in Oregon